she's 6 today

rosy cheeks

and a giggle to match

braids down you back

leggings– cute shoes

nothing you lack

a beautiful muse. 

we bounce to the beat

of harmonica songs

hot chocolate 

chai tea

oh, all night long.

so full of 

life

wonder in the world

your eyes so bright

beautiful girl. 

as you grow 

tall before me

from new

innocent eyes

you begin to see

hearts alive 

in their own creativity.

whisps of hair

around ears that

hear

and I believe

that your heart

in time

will beat to the rhythm

of your own song

and 

rhyme. 

Lovebug you are so special to me!

sixteen years

I remember the day I started Kindergarten– well maybe its a combination of stories I've been told and colors I remember, but it was significant. 

This afternoon I attended my last class. I didn't hit me driving there, or walking in but when I sat down my friend Kristin looked over at me and asked, "is this your last class?". Then, then was the moment I realized that the day had come. In the beginning people said "you'll graduate from college and then you won't have to go to school ever again" and in my elementary mind that wasn't even something I could grasp. In high school college felt like this huge weight, expected of me and the final days there were just the beginning of something new. But today I sat for the last time at Vanguard at a table listening to a lecture, learning in order to somehow better myself or prove to the world that I, in fact, am intelligent. Post-college...what's that like? Right now it feels like an empty abyss with bits and pieces starting to formulate in my mind, a few hopes and dreams I have for myself. 

I'm done with sixteen years of school. Done and I don't have to go again if I decide not to–but I want to, thats the thing. 

Today in our last class of Renaissance and Reformation we talked about the counter-Reformation and the Council of Trent. The response of the Catholic church to the Reformation was formational for the church as a whole. They cemented a canon, took and left some Reformation ideas and reformed the way the leadership of the church were educated. Ed then shared with us his opinion that the Reformation is indeed over, and stressed how important it is for each denomination, or group of believers in the church should thus cooperate, and live like we actually want to. Rather than continue to argue and disown each other like the Reformation is still going on. It's not. 

I'm so blessed to have had this as my last class at Vanguard. This specific professor is one of the best I have ever learned from and considering I had the best Kindergarten teacher as well (Mrs. Sperry) I will consider this process a success. 

Thanks Ed, for making it memorable. 

finals..finally.

I'm in the middle of my last week of classes and of course there are books everywhere I look. Nothing new. I have a little checklist of things to do before Tuesday next week, and slowly and surely they get checked off. 

I'm slowly beginning to reflect on these past eight semesters of my life. My favorite high school English teacher said to me once, "By the time you get the hang of college, and feel like you know how to do it well, it will be over". In my circumstance I feel there are partial truths here. Yes, I do feel like I am just now getting the hang of this, starting to really engage in what I am learning and have just developed my own academic style. Yet, I have been feeling this wind down for a while. I started school again this year in a very different place and felt a bit disconnected from it. 

I was telling a friend and professor last week, "I'm not sure I'll miss Vanguard, the place itself, but I will miss learning in a classroom setting".

But for right now I am really enjoying the morning at my desk, with a cup of Chai tea, discovering new poetry finding myself falling in love with the written word all over again.  

breathtaking

I was on campus the other day and saw this in a tucked away corner. It stopped me dead in my tracks. The picture hardly does it justice. What artist could create something this beautiful?

i believe God gave us feet for a reason

Lately I have been feeling so much angst toward my car. 

Firstly, the paint is fading majorly and I've been warned about that going past the primer. Cool. The air conditioning is broken, one of the nobs to control the heat temperature is broken, it leaks oil. Both of my back speakers are blown out and its pretty much always dirty, cause its black. I'd like to sell it. 

Also, I've noticed that I have to keep filling it up with gas, and most often I don't have enough money to put more than 15 dollars in at a time. Not to mention the crime, death, war, pollution and corruption that is a result of the oil my car eats. 

When you drive a car you have to stop at every. single. stinkin. red. light. And you have to sit in the  s  l   o  w e s t trafficinth e   c  o u  n   t   r   y. 

I don't ever see people in Orange County. I mean, I see the people I drive to, and drive from. But other than that all I see are cars, cars, cars, cars. I see the backs of cars and fronts of cars and sides of cars as they almost merge into my car and cars I will never be able to afford. Cars fill up parking spaces and I have to walk back to my house. Cars prevent me from turning out of my driveway for a solid four minutes while I'm late to class. Huge cars prevent me from seeing anything in front of me and thousands of cars box me in and make me feel stifled and stuck– anything but "free".

I wish I could remember that there are people in all of these cars. Sometimes I forget. Forget that there are actually people all around me. But here we are so so so good at hiding in our own little worlds and car bubbles we don't have to ever interact with anyone. Just cars on the freeway. 

Can't we all just walk down the freeway? Just once? 

dryermonster

I just did two loads of laundry. From that laundry came 5 socks, clean. 

a) 5 is not the right number for socks. 

b) None of these socks match. 

c) None of these socks are mine. 

What HAPPENED??!

Philosophical Inquiry

I just want to know how

you are doing—

how time, a distant relative,

has sketched your face

in lines and circles,

how you see the world

when your eyes are shut

and you are sleeping,

consciousness only memory,

or how you fill space

with your body, moving

past wholes and halves

of steps towards me,

this moment

a justified belief.

-Kohleun Adamson, a friend of mine from Oxford. 

She presented this piece at the Christianity and Literature Conference this last month. 

denouement: [dey-noo-MAHn] –noun, a final resolution of the intricacies of a plot, as of a play or novel

Well, were done. I haven't really been writing about the journal we have been putting together this semester. Mostly because the process was pretty simple and didn't warrant much updating. (Other than I drove around the same complex for a half an hour one morning looking for the printer.) This afternoon Hannah and I went to pick up the 175 copies of this year's Synecdoche and this evening we threw a party. 

It was small, the Great Commission Hall doesn't really hold many people anyway. Decorated with a sort of vintage garden theme, the candlelit ambiance was fitting. We talked and laughed drinking coffee and enjoyed deserts and strawberries (my favorite). A few writers were chosen to read pieces out of the journal and awards were passed out. I received one for "Outstanding Literary Creativity", one of three awards given. 

The evening got me thinking about endings. Denouement, this word describes the season I am in really well. I entered into my ending time at Vanguard after Spring Break, and tonight was the first time I felt emotion toward leaving. Maybe it was because I was with some of my favorite people (Sam and Beth both came which meant the world to me) or maybe speeches about our accomplishments always play a chord in me. I am more than excited about my next steps, but I'm also starting to reminisce about those that got me here.  

sounds like a movement

Check this out and jump on board. 

Sounds Like a Movement

A brand-new non-profit looking to create synergy between social justice action and creative expression. Events every week in the Orange County area with some really great people. 

they told me it would be this way

I'm like one of those big bouncy balls, you know, the ones that have the glitter and confetti in them and then when you bounce them or throw them all the insides get tossed and spun around? My heart feels like that lately. I'm pretty much standing on the end of my undergraduate work and looking ahead into my future–so many possibilities. Go here, go there, do this or that (and now I sound like cat in the hat). 

I'd really like to start doing something I love, I'd love to live in a city that inspires me. I want to be close (er) to loved ones and I'm ready for an adventure. I want to go to grad-school, I want to keep volunteering for non-profits, I want to work with the homeless. Read lots of books, see lots of things. Travel. I love living in and among hispanic communities; I want to learn spanish. I have all these passions and there are so many ways I could go about this. 

I've been thinking a lot about life lately. Maybe too much for my own good. The fact remains that I still have homework due tomorrow and finals in about a month. I need to stay focused here and finish well but at the same time there is value in looking ahead. 

I think the best thing about all this is those rubber balls with glitter all inside, they're really quite pretty as they get all mixed up and spun around aren't they?  

a regular case of the suds

"Our house is falling apart" is a phrase often heard in our home. For some reason we have had more things go wrong than I've ever experienced living in one place. But sometimes, we bring it upon ourselves. 

Last night, I came home and was talking to Beth in the kitchen. She says, "so I have a question, can you put dishsoap in the dishwasher cause..." 

I look down and see an already soaked towel and bubbles overflowing onto the floor. 

We just started laughing. Then we started to clean it up and upon opening the dishwasher there were bubbles everywhere. They ended up on my back, on her face and all over our hands and arms. Laughing hysterically the whole time we got it under control. Except this morning there were still bubbles, upon second rinse there were still bubbles and eventually we just took out all the dishes, rinsed them and put them away. There are still bubbles. 

Oh well. 

kean

I went to one of my usual coffee shops–this one being lighter, more open air, business like, friendly, and talkative– to get some reading done. Sometimes I'm just tired of being in my room you know? 

Upon my arrival I see some Vanguard friends, who are all enrolled in graduate school now. Some at Vanguard, some at Fuller. So I join them in reading escapades and talk about school, how it often is accompanied by the want to be done. I like finding these guys around, because in my desire to accomadate I feel motivated to stay focused on what I am reading and not let them see me daydreaming. They are grad students after all. After a while they left to eat dinner and I was left to myself. 

About an hour later a couple in their upper 30s walks in and greet the women sitting at a table in front of me. "You still at Rock Harbor?" (a local church in Costa Mesa) I thought I caught one woman ask. They sit down next to me, order hot chocolate and begin a game of cards. About 15 minutes later I hear, 

"Are you reading that for a Rybarczyk class?" And look over to see that he is in fact talking to me. 

"Why yes, yes I am" I reply and begin a good conversation with Eric and Cathy about Vanguard, graduation and future plans. I love when people are genuinely interested in what you have to say. I found out that he took the same Renaissance and Reformation class from Ed (my professor) while finishing up his graduate work. They left after a while, a smile on my face. 

Just before 9:30–Kean advertises closing at 9, however if you are there they will just clean around you until 930– I see a couple that I went on my first San Francisco trip through Vanguard with. Kelsi and Brian, who stopped for a minute to catch up. Since they graduated I have seen them a handful of times around the community and really enjoy their company. 

Just a good night for relationships really. 

on a random thursday

I laid in the park, on a blanket, in the shade and took a nap today. Enough said. 

i like when my friends write

My friend Peter, in Oxford, introduced me to my favorite poet Gerard Manley Hopkins. And this is a great article he wrote about poetry, Hopkins specifically. I think you should read it. 

biggest fan

Last night we went to Alta to watch Bethany play for a singer/songwriter night. She was given time for four songs– and rocked it. It was fun to hang out, write poetry and listen to good music. I asked her last night, and I've been to all of her "shows" save for one. I must say last night was much better than going to open-mic events because the music is just a better quality. 

I love living with this girl. She fills our room constantly with music and expresses herself through her music so well. Such a blessing in my life. 

moments

Some of my favorite moments from the weekend. 

a) The big hug I got upon arrival at the Pierce home.

b) Sweet tea and apple butter on buscuits at Lucile's. 

c) Watching my two favorite boys play for a couple hours on Saturday. 

d) Chilaquiles for breakfast. 

e) A free play on the Queen Mary–Thanks Mikey and Kristin!

f) Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles with the aforementioned couple. 

g) Many many cups of tea. 

h) Running through Albertsons in my pajamas at 7:35 am with James and cinnamon rolls. 

i) Boccie ball with the Pierce family. 

j) "Ashley they're picking on me" "Ashley don't leave, I'm scared, stay right here next to me"

k) Potatoes at Easter lunch. 

l) Watching a movie for the first time with James (he fell asleep). 

7) A wonderful conversation about poetry and literature. 

m) Sourdough toast, tea, strawberries and an egg for breakfast. 

n) Ditching my 1:00 class for In-N-Out. 

o) Laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing.  

p) Moments when I wasn't thinking about going to John Wayne airport on Monday. 

Teewinkle Park, Johanna's Birthday Party 

i really want glasses

Don't I look so smart?!

Problem. I have 20/20 vision. I don't even need glasses that magnify the words in my books because they make no difference. Oh well. For now I pretend. 

happy birthday mom!

It's my mom's birthday today. For some reason, her's, before anyone else's in the whole world I remember the most. My mom is my inspiration in a lot of things, not only academics. She's beautiful and I love her heart, her wisdom, and her laugh. 

My mom is the reason I love to read, why I love arts and crafts and being outside in nature. She has encouraged my love of learning, instilled in me ideals like doing my best, achieving my goals and making responsible decisions about life. She has let me travel the world, wiped tears from my eyes and given me some of the best hugs I've ever had. 

This is my Aunt Gisela, my mom and I. People say we look alike...I wonder why. 

Family picture, at the ski resort 15 minutes from our house. My mom always makes sure we do this Christmas Day, she loves our family and the fun we have when we all ski together. 

She is glue that holds us together, and always encourages us to love each other and to spend time with one another. 

My mom is adventurous. She tries new things, loves to be active and outside. She's really smart too, and likes to have great conversations and love on people as well. 

She's beautiful!

The Crucible

We just finished The Crucible, written by Arthur Miller in my American Lit class. I've seen the play, Bethany actually played Abigail in the Vanguard production a few years ago. This was the first time I read it however, and would recommend it. 

Written about the Salem witch trials, Miller captures your attention with dialogue and a conniving plot line. It starts out giving a picture of Salem as a place where there is spiritual and political tension among the people. Some of the young girls are caught "dancing" in the forest late one night (the forest being a symbol of evil and darkness). The town explodes and everyone becomes heated for reasons particular to each situation. Abigail, before long, begins to name names of other women and men in the town she believes associated with witchcraft in order to save her own. 

Most interesting about this piece is that Miller wrote it as commentary to McCarthyism and the Red Scare in the United States. The Cold War and Communism created social and political tensions, and as in Salem, the people found a scapegoat in trying to pinpoint their fears in people. In both instances the authority disregarded people as people and took the word of anyone shouting out names. No one needed proof to hang a woman as a witch, nor did they to convince the world someone was a communist and thus ruin their entertainment career. 

This play is captivating, I recommend you read it–even better go see it. The film with Daniel Day Lewis is excellent after reading the script. 

"Because it is my name! Because I cannot have another in my life! Because I lie and sign myself to lies! Because I am not worth the dust on the feet of them that hang! How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!" –John Proctor