it's official

I want a camera. 

I've been borrowing–for a couple years now–a little manual 35mm camera from a wonderful friend. I fill it with beautiful 125ISO film and away I go. I love the snap of the shutter and creating stories with my shots. Everything seems wonderful and beautiful through my lens. 

Except thats where it stops. My pictures are first trapped inside my camera, trapped inside a little black tube and then trapped inside a binder full of negatives that I have neither the time, money, nor chemicals to develop (take them to Target you say? Never I reply). 

I'm just becoming weary of seeing things I'd like to photograph, people I'd like to capture, and not possessing the tools to. 

this week

I worked more than 36 hours this week babysitting. Thanks to my awesome agency and a friend who actually passed my name along twice, the Lord has provided me with much needed work. I was wondering, this evening around 8:30, why I am so tired and then I realized the amount of hours I have put in the last six days. 

My favorite, by far, was Miles. 

My dad called me about 6:30 last night and I said, "Hey guess what I am doing?...Walking around a hotel with a one-month old strapped to me." He laughed. Miles is probably the smallest little boy I have ever taken care of. He literally fit in my two hands. Mom was really happy that he was so content hanging out with me. I got to feed him, hold him, and smile with him in the few hours he was awake with me. His ity-bity fingers, little ears and tiny nose kept me captivated the whole night. I read and drank a free Chai latte while he slept next to me on the hotel bed– he was snuggled up like a little love-bug. Probably the first kid I've watched that I wanted to keep.

the nanny bag

Required by me of the agency I work for, upon arrival of every sitting job I take I am to carry with me a bag full of age appropriate games, crafts, and toys for the child to enjoy while we hang out. 

However I think I am coming to the conclusion that I should also carry a bag of things for myself. In it should be: 

A jacket or hoodie, for houses with hardwood floors especially. I take my shoes off when in a home and my feet get so cold. 

Various teas, because I crave tea at night. 

A book, especially for hotel sitting. Kids go to sleep and often I am in the same room and can only have a small light on. 

A cell phone charger, inevitably I will need to get ahold of a parent or be texting someone and my phone will decide to start flashing the "my battery is about to fail" symbol. 

Snacks, for those random times the mom doesn't say, "please help yourself to anything you see in the kitchen." Tonight I was good, chocolate chip cookies and tea hit the spot. 

brand new day

This morning I received a text from the father of the child I was supposed to watch from 8-6:30 today. He said, "Hey he's feeling better so I'm going to take him to school" and there went my $100.00, straight out the door. 

But I've really been given a gift. So many people who got up this morning, had a cup of coffee and went off to work would have loved their boss to call them before they left to say, "Hey you should just stay home today, don't worry about coming in". 

So what am I going to do today? The options are endless. I'd love to ride my bike to Kean to get some coffee. Or maybe I'll go to an art museum. Drive to Azusa to see my sister? I could also hang out with a few friends I haven't seen in a while. Whatever I do, I need to not waste the day. 

we like to read

I was discussing with my friend Ryan this afternoon about books we like. He just finished a chapter book entitled Tigers at Twilight. 

Then he said, "guess what I'm reading the Chronicles of Narnia and I love The Horse and His Boy." "Ryan", I said, "I love those books the horses talk and it's so cool!" To which he replied, "Ashley, everything in Narnia talks, even the centuars." 

We continued sharing who our favorite characters are (I mentioned Mr. Tumnus, Ryan likes High King Peter and Edmund) and we also talked about events in some of the books. As we were talking I flipped over Tigers at Twilight to check something. On the back it read, RL: 2.3. My friend Ryan is in Kindergarten.

"Ryan did you read this whole thing?" I asked. "Yep!" was his reply, "I read it quiet". I said, "You know what? That's my favorite way to read". 

*Eli and Ryan having fun on the couch together.

ours if we want it

The van, ladies and gentlemen, that could possibly make our dreams possible. 

*The sticker on the back says, "respect the beach".

it's quiet again

I woke up this morning and for an hour I laid in bed stressed about the things I need to complete today...

wait a second...what things??! I have nothing I have to do today! There are things I want to do, yes, however tasks that bring stress? No. It always takes my body a little while to catch up with such changes, takes it a little bit to read the memo. "done. with. school.". 

I loved having my family here this weekend, time spent eating together, hanging out and watching the sun set. I got to spend time with my grandparents, talk with them and they got to meet my friends. Hugs from my dad this weekend, wonderful. Then yesterday after my family left I enjoyed the afternoon laughing on a comfy couch, with leftovers, my favorite boy, and tea. 

I don't have much to do today and I have a long list of books I want to read. 

finished.

I've completed college. Such a strange thing that I am still processing. 

Right now I feel really...free.

last day

The campus was something that drew me to Vanguard. I noticed at some point during my senior year of high school that if you walk on campus at night, particularly from Heath to the Library, there is a calm quiet, a sense of peace. 

Last night I was walking from the Scott building, for the last time printing out my portfolio at almost 2 in the morning. As I walked across campus it hit me for the first time that I was walking for the last time, as a student, across campus at night. I thought about who I was the first time I had come to Vanguard, and who I am now, and realized how incredibly blessed I am to have had this experience. 

Thats when I started to cry, and didn't stop until I was home in bed. 

hurry hurry hurry

With just a few pages left of my paper on "Howl" I get lost in a conversation with Bethany about words and language and deconstruction and meaning–the conclusion being that in the end it all fails us. 

Of course, its so appropriate.

so close

Here's the thing. I'm tired of my roommates, friends, strangers and aquaintences telling me I'm almost done. I know that I am, yet in my mind I know I have a large amount of work still to complete. I realized it this evening, as all of my friends are downstairs listening to music, cooking on the BBQ and sitting by our fire pit, that I just want to be finished. 

The thing is I am almost done. I have until Tuesday at 2:00 to finish everything I need to finish but I am a little behind. Things I have yet to complete: 

A final portfolio essay, about myself, my time at Vanguard and my future plans

A final American Literature Paper, about Allen Ginsberg's "Howl"

Study and get an A on a Renaissance and Reformation final

I feel like I should be stressed about getting these things done by their respective due dates/times. However for some reason I'm not. At this point all I can do is work as diligently and well as I can. The finished just follows after that right? 

I have a whole heap of things I just can't wait to do.