hats for haiti

love these hearts.

new things

The rain makes things feel new. During the last few days of torrential downpour here in sunny southern california, outside my front door a little family of daffodils have been pushing their way through the madness.

Jessi got a new hat at Anthropologie. I think I look really cute in it.

Caleb got new shoes. I remember his tiny little ones that I used to velcro onto his little baby feet. Not such a little baby any more.

This day was new, and I went down to sit by the water and write poetry. The tide was high and while I was there the guys surfing kept getting washed up by my feet.

Just thought I'd share.

my life currently

So I'm out a computer, and really no way to get one soon. I have access to computers at Vanguard, however it's hard to make myself go there. Sit in a cold, distracting room or stay here, in my warm house with tea, food, and the ability to stay in my pajamas? Which one do you think I'd rather chose?

So in such I haven't had much time to write here. It's hard, I feel like I have so many things I want to share with those of you that I love and read my blog. However it's proving a little difficult right now. I just thought I'd let you know.

Anyway, my semester has started out wonderfully. I love all of my classes, and am excited to really get into them. This semester looks like it will be really enjoyable, somewhat relaxing and it will let me pour into all the areas of my life that I want to.

The San Francisco Outreach team leaders have begun to meet and push sign ups and plan the trip. I'm excited for our team, and really ready to step up into a leadership position. I have a huge passion for this trip and can't wait to really get it rolling. It looks like Bethany and I will be serving as the two primary leaders of the trip, as we both have the most experience. I love her and am so excited to be working with her on this trip. Two years ago we sat in Chapel, looking at pictures from that years trip and said, we are going next year. It's crazy that now two years later we are leaders together.

Looks like I'll be making a little jaunt over to San Antonio next month, to see one of my favorite people. I am really excited that it all came together and that in doing so I will not really miss anything here during that time. Adventure!

Its pouring here today, and I'm inside working on homework. Reading and writing about things I love. I'm about to put the kettle on for some tea.

LOVE.

ITS POURING RAIN!

nervous

I'm sitting at my desk with the last three publications of the Vanguard Literary Journal.

A bit of background: As a student at Vanguard I am required to take a Capstone class as a senior. As an English major the primary focus on this class is to formulate, compile, market and add personalized touches to the Vanguard Literary Journal, Synecdoche.

Today in class it was pretty much decided that I, along with another classmate, will hold the title "Editor in Chief" or CE for short.

I'm not really sure how I feel about this. Technically, this is what I want to do with my career. I have a passion for reading, literature and creativity. I want to edit. This will look great on a CV at some point. So why would I not want to do this? I'm nervous I think, of failing mostly. I mostly don't know what I'm doing. I have doubts about myself and actually being able to do a great job with this, and I'm not really satisfied with anything other than great. I have the time, I'm only taking 12 units this semester and I have a job that is ridiculously flexible. Yet I cannot handle another semester like my last one, where I was too busy to breathe. Should I doubt myself? Shoot, I studied at Oxford for goodness sake. Yet, it's a big responsibility right?

Maybe I just need some encouragement.

youd boys

When I met Ryan Youd he, at an age much too young, was showing me colours like "pink" and "violet". The next time I watched him I read him some books and he would stop me and say, "no you missed the 'and'" and "wait you forgot the middle line" because he was reading along with me. I drove him to school last year on Wednesday afternoons, "Ashley Wells! You're here it's so good to see you!" he would exclaim upon my arrival and then give me detailed directions to his school as we drove, at age 4. Today I hung out with Ryan and this morning he was finishing up his homework, writing sentences using his new vocabulary words- things like "kangaroo" and "kitten". He's in Kindergarten this year. I didn't learn how to read until the first grade. His social skills are incredible and he communicates really well. Such a joy to hang out with and be around. He understands language, has a memory for numbers, names and sequences. It is really fun to see him play and pretend and then talk about his friends (who are my friends) and say their first and last names.

Ryan has a little brother, Eli, who was born while I was in Oxford last fall. While Ryan was at school the last couple days I got to hang out with the sweetest peanut of a boy. He has big brown eyes and is learning so many words and how to repeat them. Except "up" also means down. Ball, car, walk, and "No Way!" are some of the words he uses the most. He loves playing with Ryan and I and joining in with whatever fun new game Ryan imagines up. He knows the ASL sign for "more" and used it a lot today while sitting in my lap reading books.

Wonderful boys, I had the greatest day hanging out with them.

somewhat of a recap

I look out my window today and it doesn't feel like January again. It's probably 75 degrees outside and definitely sunny, good ol Costa Mesa weather. But I'm feeling some pressure as it is the new year to reflect on the last one a bit.

This year I processed through my time at Oxford. It is now more than a year since I have walked the streets I love and breathed in the cold air of England. I began this year mourning my time there, clinging desperately to memories, culture and people who understand. It wasn't until the beginning of the summer that I stopped crying over it.

My spring semester was an incredibly difficult one. I was sick, completely unchallenged academically and frustrated that Americans have no idea how to enjoy tea. However a huge turning point for me last spring was my trip to San Francisco. I was challenged in a way and pushed out of my comfort zone there that was completely different than I had ever experienced in the city. I found myself looking to those who dedicate their whole lives to what they do, to community and the people around them. I wrote poetry, had conversations and the best 5 days of my whole semester. After that trip I began to deepen friendships that would lead me into a completely different friend group. A group of people that I love deeply.

This last summer was probably the best of my life thus far. I moved into a town home next to the Wilson Street Park with four of my closest friends. Girls I have lived with since I lived in 310 in Laguna Hall. I know my neighbors here, this house is everything we asked and prayed for. The summer was not enough work, but that gave me time to get involved in a new church, invest in new friends and wake up in the morning and allow each day to unfold as it wanted to. Something I needed. I rediscovered a love for reading, art, poetry. I spent time with my Robeck family. I took advantage of the fact that I live 3 miles, if that, from the ocean and visited the beach at least 4 times a week.

This last semester, well I never really caught up with it. I overextended myself and the last weeks and months were hard, yet in a completely different way. I just didn't have enough time to do anything well. (I will add though, that I got straight As.) I felt a sense of disconnect from the Vanguard community which I will attribute to a new church family and friends who have already graduated. Sharing a room with Bethany was my greatest blessing this semester, she was my safe place to laugh, cry, be stressed, get frustrated or have incredible conversation. James plopped down into my life this semester, and that could be a whole other amazing post in and of itself. What a blessing in my life. This Christmas season was wonderful, I spent not enough time with my family, but the time we had together was wonderful.

I began to truly walk in who I am this year. The Ashley that loves everything to do with literature, community, deep and good conversation, culture and traveling. I got to forgive this last year, and learn how really listen to people. I became more confident in who I am. I discovered that I love walking through life with people and I thank each of you who walked with me.

I'm excited for this new year, for the possibilities it holds and changes it will bring. It's going to be a crazy ride, but I'm ready.

the first of the lasts..

I bought school supplies today. Some composition notebooks to fill full of notes and file away next to the others that make up my college career, pens, a planner. I wandered through the store picking up a few other little things, and as I stood in line it hit me. This will be the last time I purchase school supplies for myself.

Now, it's not all that sad. My foot has been half out the door since I started this year. I watched many of my friends go through a mourning process about leaving this Vanguard family, yet I'm not really feeling it. My mourning and processing happened last year when 70 of my friends walked across the stage- friends I had known since my senior year of high school. I'm graduating on time, four years, but for some reason I've always been drawn to invest in friends who are older, more mature than I am. So my Vanguard world has already moved on without me, I feel as if I have graduated already. School is a part of my life, instead of my life being school.

It is also strange that I am the only one in my house still in school this next semester. By random circumstance everyone seems to have graduated early, so that now even my closest friends and community are no longer there. Strange.

Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for this next semester. I'm taking 12 units of Literature and Religion classes, with some really great professors. I'll continue to edit for the Yearbook and have more time to pour into it. It is a new season, though a short one, and I am looking forward to what it holds in store for me.